happy birthday ariel!!!

what am i known for?

i have been thinking so much lately about my identity in Christ and wondering what people think of first when they think of me. it actually sickens me because i can almost here some of the possible answers.

"have you met courtney?"

"oh yeah, she......

-sure does like to eat good food

-is all about the 1950's

-enjoys making and eating cupcakes

-is jeff's wife

-is ariel's mom

-likes glitter

-wants to be in Hawaii"

those things in and of themselves are not bad, but i do not want to be know for them. i want to be known as a girl who loves Jesus with all of her heart, who has compassion on the poor and broken hearted, who has a passion for God's Word, who preaches the gospel and truly cares for the lost. how i dress, my stuff, what my family and house looks like, will not matter in the end. i truly repent for caring about those things way more than i ever should have.

sigh.

this makes me sad. Lord, please break me. do whatever You have to do to mold me and shape me into who You want me to be.

conversations in the mirror

well, it has been awhile. the past month has consisted of:

1) letting a lot of stuff that has been bottled up in my heart for a long time come out so things can finally begin to heal

2) mending a friendship that has pretty much been nonexistent for too long

3) forming some new relationships that are turning into friendships

4) realizing more and more how i both long for and dread change

5) dyeing my hair from bright red, to peach, to blonde, to red and blonde, and back to not quite as bright but still pretty bright red. sigh. sometimes i wonder why i even bother.

6) starting to be ok with being a mess and not caring quite as much if others know that i am

7) watching my daughter start dance lessons. she is becoming a ballet dancing machine

8) battling the enemy who has been trying to mess with my marriage and having a major breakthrough with my husband because we both decided to be honest and talk about how we were really feeling. the devil is so cunning but through Christ we will always overcome. now, things are better than they have been in a long time.

9) realizing that i am not quite the night owl that i was a couple of months ago. late night prayer slots are beginning to take their toll.

10) starting to read the "chronicles of narnia" again. yay for that!!

there you go, more than you probably wanted to know about what has been going on in the life of courtney : )

a new day...

i love this kid. she is so much like me at times it is scary.......

this is a long one.......

wow, it feels like forever since i posted last. i am back from west texas. it was a very hard trip and i wish that i could say that it went as well as i hoped. there were many nights that i called my husband in tears. he is so sweet. he drove up late last friday, helped with the work they were doing on my grandma's house on saturday, and drove back home late saturday night. he knew i needed him. i love that guy. we were married nine years yesterday. our marriage has weathered some hard times and truly come out stronger. we are so in love and i am so thankful for him. the two of us are a great team : )

this has just been a weird past six months. i have been feeling very overwhelmed and discouraged, and tuesday night i felt like i was going to lose it. not a fun feeling. however, wednesday when i was doing dishes i heard ever so quietly, "My grace is sufficient, My strength is made perfect in your weakness." wow. just like that, i felt better. nothing is really different. the circumstances are still the same. i just needed to be reminded that God is still there and hear His voice.

i started reading "Abba's Child" by brennan manning. oh my. what a due season book. i have had it for years and have picked it up a couple of times to read but could never get into it. i just randomly grabbed it before i left for my trip and did not even pick it up until the very last day. so far, it has hit my heart in so many ways and i am only about a quarter of the way through it. i should have known that it was going to be good when i had tears streaming down my face from reading the following. this describes the past seven years so perfectly:

"there have been times.......

when the felt presence of God was more real to me than the chair i am sitting on; when the Word ricocheted like broken-backed lightning in every corner of my soul; when a storm of desire carried me to places i had never visited.

and there have been other times...

when i identified with the words of Mae West: "I used to be Snow White-but i drifted"; when the Word was as stale as old ice cream and bland as tame sausage; when the fire in my belly flickered and died; when i mistook dried-up enthusiasm for gray-haired wisdom; when i dismissed youthful idealism as mere naivete; when i preferred cheap slivers of glass to the pearl of great price."

so, having said all of that, it is good to be home. i missed my family. there is a lot of catching up to do. i will leave you with one more thing that i read in the book. it is a blessing that was written by a man named Larry Hein.

"May all of your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness, that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God who is Father, Son, and Spirit. Today on planet Earth, may you experience the wonder and beauty of yourself as Abba's Child and temple of the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ our Lord."